Insomnia

-Inability to obtain sufficient sleep-

That is what I had been going through for the past few days, and I'm hating it, because my health is deteoriorating, I'm getting heaty, zits popping out all over my face, dark rings form around my eyes, I'm losing my appetite, feeling nauseous (no I'm not pregnant)...

And the cause of it all, I'm not sure, but I'm suspecting it has something to do with my wedding, because whenever I lie in bed, I'll start worrying about the songs for my wedding, the lists of people whose invitations are still with me, the sitting arrangements, the guestbook, the photo montage (which I have yet to start), and as the days drew nearer to my wedding, the harder it is for me to fall asleep. It's not just about the wedding, it's also about me and him, our relationship, amongst others.

Last night, my mum and I went to my maternal grandparents' place to pass them the cake for the wedding and the invitation card. When we reach their place, I heard the sound of people playing mahjong, and I thought it was coming from their neighbours' place because my grandparents are living by themselves and couldn't have been playing mahjong unless my aunties/uncles are at their place. When I walked nearer to their unit, it was obvious that the sound came from their place, and at that point of time, I was wondering who could be at my grandparents' place at this hour (it was already 11+ by the time we reach).

The scene that unfolds before me caught me off my guard - I saw my uncle (who is currently going through a divorce with her wife), my grandparents, and a woman (someone whom I've never seen before, but had been hoping to meet). Even without asking, I know who she is (all thanks to my mum), and the situation was super gawky (despite the fact that I had been anticipating that I would meet her someday, I didn't expect it to be this way, because there were people from outside the family there, my mum's friend and her daughter, who knew what's going on.).

Yeah, it sucks. Not that meeting my grandparents sucks. It sucks that I know, it sucks that my mum knows, and it sucks even more that my mum's friend knows (and I bet that her daughter knows too) and I didn't know how to react at that instant moment. I tried to act normal and ignorant, but I guess it was pretty obvious that everyone knew who the mysterious woman was. Mysterious because I was the only one who saw her, and I only managed to catch a glance of her (she gave an awkward smile, not to me, but looking down, and walked into the master bedroom, closing the door behind her).

On my way home from my grandparents', I kept thinking about what just happened, and it sets me thinking, about the failed marriage between my uncle and his wife, about the woman (who happens to be a divorcee with kids taken care of by the ex-husband - a path my uncle is following), and most importantly, about me and him.

I've always been hoping for someone who I could hold on to till I die, I've always been looking for my happily-ever-after, that was why I would not hesitate to fight for my happiness. I had always believed that Ashley is my happy ending, but now I wonder, does "happily ever after" even exist??

It's not that I'm having doubts in him, or even in me, it's just that I understand that there are certain things that will not be within out control. We can try to control our temper, change our approach towards our relationship, constantly learn to improve our relationship, but there will still be things not within our control, like sickness (no matter how healthy a lifestyle you lead) and death, and some other factors which will affect the storyline of the fairy tale.

However, I strongly believe that love will oercome all barriers. Even if we could not overcome them, the fact that we had truly loved each other, and had given 100% of ourselves to make the relationship work, everything else doesn't matter, does it??